Friday, 22 August 2014

A Whole New Life

Wow. It really has been a while!

I've found balancing life and finding time to write, in any form, impossible. Not that the longing hasn't been there. I've bought a new journal....which Matilda promptly christened. I started to feel a bit annoyed about it....but made myself think about how when she's 23 I'll find the journal with her crayon markings and cry over the time that has passed.
So, I shared with her.

I'm trying. I need to write. It helps me release the emotions and thoughts that bind my chest with anxiety.

So....A Whole New Life. It really is.

I'm about to be naked y'all. I've kept this very private. Maybe because of shame, embarrassment, grief, all of the above, plus more.

About 10 days before our 5 year wedding anniversary my husband told me he didn't think he could be truly happy as long as he remained married. Oh. OK? Where in the f*&k did it come from?! The wind was knocked out of me. It was surreal. Kind of the surreal experience people who receive difficult medical news describe. Like you're outside of your own body.
I couldn't comprehend the words.

What? What does it mean?

I'm spare us both the details of the conversation and following week of hell.

When the truth finally came out, I had a "friend" to thank for this. A "friend" of mine had been pursuing my husband and father of my child. They'd been "talking", for get, THIS ... a month.
It took a month for her to convince him that life with her would bring him far more than life with his wife and daughter ever could. He's addicted to her. She has ruined our family and destroyed him.
He's weak. He's pathetic. He believed every single lie she fed him. He still does. Mental illness is part of it. Mental illness is no excuse.

I'm not going to get into all the rest. Let me just share with you that I couldn't sleep, eat, walk, talk, breath or anything. I died. He killed me. However, to remain in a ball in a dark room was not an option. I had my blessed child. My light.

I did indeed die a death. I was flung face first into my very worst nightmare. My greatest fear is abandonment. My husband abandoned me & our daughter. Although his response is "I can see how you would think that" to assure me it isn't the case.
Yes. I am forced to still see him and speak to him at least once a week because of our child.
I have filed for divorce. He has signed and admitted to the ongoing adultery which destroyed our marriage and family.
I'm waiting for the family court to rule and set me free on paper.

I've been walking this road for nearly two years now. It's been hard. Some days it's impossible. Like today. I'm really struggling today with anxiety and stress. It's making it difficult to function. I should probably call the doctor.

We need to go out. I deserve a posh coffee and a treat!

I'm pushing through. I have for the past nearly two years. Some days are a case of pushing with all my might. Most of the time however we are happy and very satisfied in our little lovely life.
Matilda and I are peas in a pod. We fit together just right.

I've fought hard to push through the dark depths, like the lotus flower. It has to push through the mud under the water to reach the sun. Then it suddenly bursts through the surface and blooms spectacularly.
I'm not there yet. I will be one day though.

One step at a time. I like how Tom Hiddleston said it

And I'll tell you this...I have climbed one hell of a mountain.


  1. I know we've been talking through this whole ordeal, but reading through it again is just so hard. You've been through so much and I'm excited to see all the good things God has in store for your future. Thank God for that precious little girl, I know she is your heart.

    1. It has been so hard Courtney. I had written in Ben's birthday card only a few months before how grateful I was that he's made my dreams reality. He became my husband making me a wife and then a mother, all I'd ever wanted.
      I couldn't have been more crushed.
      Although I am so much further along than when this all started, my heart still aches.
      Not every day. But usually after he's been here to spend the day with Matilda. If it's been a nice day it really hurts. It's a reminder of what was and what he has thrown away. None of which I wanted.
      Thank you for being on this journey with me. One day we will have even more wonderful things to celebrate.
      She is indeed my whole heart. My joy, my reason for being.
      I'd feel no reason to be if it hadn't been for her.
      I have hope for all of the good things you mention. I have to believe there is more goodness to be had in this life. I've cried more painful tears in this life than anyone should have to. I have also been blessed enough to cry many happy tears.
      May life bring us more of both. There isn't light without dark. But to truly praise in the light we must praise in the dark places first.


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